Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
