I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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