if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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