My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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