I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
