Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
