1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
