fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
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His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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