Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
