Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
