Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
