btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
