Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
