9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
