there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
