Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize