i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
