Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
babies were throwing up all over the place
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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