i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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