Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
