You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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