I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize