My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
