I'm really into asian looking animals
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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