3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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