He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
worst night to have a conscience
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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