Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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