I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Randomize
