if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
