Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
