Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
