I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
