genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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