i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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