stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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