Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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