If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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