birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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