Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
