I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
