does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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