speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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