The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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