I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
