White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
