I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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