I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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