Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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