Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
