He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Mom said you looked used
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
