Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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