6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He passed out mid-signature
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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