just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
