I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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