Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can feel your judgement through the phone
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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