you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
