As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...