Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?