I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
