He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
