how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
