a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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